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taxonomy @ 2007-08-13T23:18:00

2007-08-14T03:18:50Z

an open letter to all of the people in my life that I have walked away from:

most of you have formed and shaped the person that I once was - peers from high school, people from shows and "the scene" three years ago, (most importantly) everyone from camp brainerd. I don't have the right to call any of you my friends, because the truth is, I haven't kept in touch with a single one of you. for a long while i kept everything else at bay and tried desperately to have a personality and a life. all of you helped me to find that somewhere along the way. I have had countless heart to hearts with many of you, and if I could I would go back to that time. somewhere in my self-discovery I got lost and became completely consumed with an eating disorder. I shut every single one of you out and lost the person that I was. a part of me wants to rekindle friendships and deep conections, but I can't. I'm not who I used to be. I don't even know who I am aside from numbers and weights and calories. I regret this, but refuse to change it. I'm sorry for losing all of you, and even more sorry for losing myself. one day I hope to get back to that place where I once was, but the path is long forgotten and burried. I miss all of you and I miss myself. I still hold all of you with the highest regards despite my words and/or actions. I'm sorry.

taxonomy @ 2005-03-01T09:33:00

2005-03-01T14:33:43Z

if you like me and I like you, then maybe you got lucky.

edit; oh it's not that I don't like all of you, I'm just selective in my reading.

taxonomy @ 2005-02-24T17:59:00

2005-02-24T23:07:53Z

this morning I awoke to find a green scrawled marker message on my white board that read in short, "bringing vietnamese home tonight, call to tell me what you would like." which made me begin to understand and rejoice over how cultured I am.
then after an announcement that caused rampant smiles and squeals of happiness I attended a rigorous ping-pong tournament. an intense dance party preceded in journalism where myself and three others "brought down the house."
school would be a lot better if it were only four periods long every day.

taxonomy @ 2005-02-20T16:56:00

2005-02-20T21:56:29Z

I'm not a bad driver. I just have bad luck.

taxonomy @ 2005-02-15T16:43:00

2005-02-15T21:47:18Z

year one(american nightmare reference intended) of ever having a valentine reminded me of all those previous february 14th's with flowers and heart shaped cookies left on my computer desk or doorstep by family and friends. these small acts of kindness helped to deplete the need for valentine's days "spent with the wrong people who always said the wrong things." I wasn't thankful for any of that until yesterday at approximately 1:47pm.
cut to the important parts like popping fourteen balloons and reading fourteen paper valentines with fourteen specific memories written inside or listening to this one saves the day song via accoustic guitar and your voice. more than anything else, the most important thing acquired last night was happiness.

taxonomy @ 2005-02-10T18:37:00

2005-02-10T23:41:39Z

this poor little town is burning itself down.
this poor little life is burning itself down.

taxonomy @ 2005-02-07T22:10:00

2005-02-08T03:17:09Z

the domestic life; cooked and ironed and sewed. produced a little tote bag with the word "city" stamped backwards, oops. then watched run lola run, compliments of m. sobrinski and realized that I've been taking a lot of things for granted. tomorrow I will read and write and finish applying for a summer job and one last school, I promise.

taxonomy @ 2005-02-03T22:16:00

2005-02-04T03:18:43Z

tears are dribbling down the sides of my cheeks, staining my face and scarring the surface with a black film. "what hurts more is I would still die for you." everything is so painfully fucking accurate right now (like the poems on my bed and the new armor for sleep album you sent me.)

taxonomy @ 2005-01-29T22:59:00

2005-01-30T04:20:19Z

messy bedsheets and carelessly placed dishes(or perhaps the other way around,) a nightmare of cds with the same scrawled chicken scratch that I sometimes have a hard time reading and a take out container of saen's rice pudding; all these things go unnoticed but are left behind.
I admit, for weeks now I have been calculating and pondering and going wild in my thoughts trying to figure out why we're together with eighty-eight miles, one car and a slew of complications and fights under our belts. I simply "didn't know" anymore because we were doing more hurting than loving and with seven months past I wasnt expecting that sort of thing. I've done extensive thinking and have spent both the former and the latter of tonights drive brainstorming solutions to this lovesick dilema and finally it came to me; it just makes sense. us being together just makes sense. as complex as I have made this problem, the answer is unbelievably simple; you and me, we make sense together and this is why the hurting is back to loving and why my mind and my heart aren't aching anymore.

taxonomy @ 2005-01-27T15:22:00

2005-01-27T20:38:17Z

my school hours were used wisely today by reading thirty pages of bret easton ellis and skipping out on lunch and chorus to spend more time in the art room and to finish an overdue photography project. then after seeing the A+ on my composition final essay I declared it a "good day" and ran out in the freezing cold to my little car. I feel accomplished today and for right now, that's enough.

taxonomy @ 2005-01-24T20:18:00

2005-01-25T01:29:46Z

Here's the thing; I've been lying to myself and to everyone else for a really long time now. I have no idea who I am, what I'm doing with my life or where I will be six months from now. I have no idea what school I'll be attending -if I attend one at all. I have no idea where I will be working this summer -or if I will even be working. Everything in my life right now is gray area and I'm definately not as happy as I make myself out to be. I've been trying for so long to get away from this town and these people; trying so hard to seperate myself from everything here and making sure that I escape from this place next year, but as it turns out I might end up at ESU or Kutztown just like everyone else. Congratulations, you win.

taxonomy @ 2005-01-16T20:34:00

2005-01-17T01:36:10Z

went to three supermarkets to find tofutti, bought little boy pajamas, watched a lot of the O.C. and had three nights of comfortable sleep.
I haven't written a real entry in weeks or months. I haven't had anything real to say.

taxonomy @ 2005-01-11T20:06:00

2005-01-12T01:11:03Z

oh yeah, and have I mentioned how incredibly easy it's been to become vegan?

taxonomy @ 2005-01-09T20:09:00

2005-01-10T01:26:25Z

friday and saturday; saw the life aquatic then bought the soundtrack because mark mothersbaugh makes fun music and david bowie is pretty cool too. made the crucial decision between thai noodles and panera bread. then got a little sad some hours later and drove a long way home.

taxonomy @ 2005-01-06T21:21:00

2005-01-07T02:22:59Z

WHAT'S UP THREE SNOW DAYS!

taxonomy @ 2005-01-04T21:37:00

2005-01-05T02:45:20Z

in no particular order;
in the market to buy some little boy's tee shirts, black flats and some diesel jeans, deleted almost everyone, trashed some entries/made some private, got in the mood to cut and dye my hair, wanted some tattoos really badly, drank a lot of tea, waited impatiently for acceptance to one of two schools that I actually want to go to(applied to five,) almost deleted this damn thing for the tenth time.

taxonomy @ 2005-01-02T21:18:00

2005-01-03T02:26:21Z

my car isn't a gas gobbler but I surely am spending all my cash on gas.

taxonomy @ 2004-12-31T11:44:00

2004-12-31T16:45:43Z

I don't really have anything to say about the new year except that it probably won't be much different from the last(save for a few small details like cheese and ice cream and pizza.)

taxonomy @ 2004-12-21T23:45:00

2004-12-22T04:51:14Z

six months was spent cuddling and kissing and laughing; eating at our staple chinese resteraunt and going to see closer, which was all much needed because of the 19 or 20 day gap that stood between us. for an entire half of a year we have made a long distance relationship work without hesitation. and I'm really not the long distance type; I need someone constantly. so this whole thing is pretty amazing. and these past six months have been just that.

taxonomy @ 2004-12-18T19:28:00

2004-12-19T00:32:38Z

after a month and a half of suffering the consequences of my little mishap I FINALLY got a new car.

I love you little car!

taxonomy @ 2004-12-17T23:10:00

2004-12-18T04:28:51Z

watching obscene amounts of movies and television even though I never watch tv, making entire meals at 3am including what I want(always an asian noodle dish) and what you want(always french fries and meat) and then splitting everything(except the meat) and eating for three hours, staying up all hours of the night waiting for my parents to fall asleep, letting you tuck me in and put me to bed before you retreat back to my guest room, singing the twelve days of christmas at quarter to four in the morning, listening to sigur ros and damien rice and dido while having in depth conversations about everything possible, making the most disgusting faces at each other in the backseat of my car, playing every board game we can get our hands on including scrabble in which we forgot the rules, screaming at each other about what cd we're going to listen to, getting ready in my bathroom together, sharing most if not all of our clothes, consistant and nonstop making fun of each other for the way we say or do things, laughing at the most ridiculous things, being completely obnoxious, scrounging up change so that we can pay the turnpike toll, going to an impossible number of shows while making fun of everyone there and basically being the best couple ever, painting justin and danielle's apartment, watching endless hours of stand up comedy, talking to my parents at the dinner table for forty-five minutes after the meal has ended, running around in the rain(hurricane ivan), sex in the city marathons, quoting comedians and song lyrics incessantly, making remarks about all my strange quirks and my ocd(when I start cleaning my house for no apparent reason), the way you look at me when I act too stupid or overly obnoxious and then just start laughing at me(not with me), looking through five years of memories that I've been saving in a box, slow dancing to no music, going out to eat every time we're at your house because your parents cook too much meat, watching andrew walk into the room and declare that he has no more clean underwear, playing with your little brother's toys while you tell me that you're going to kill me because the noises won't stop, fighting over your computer chair and knocking you over in the process, never getting anything accomplished and lying around my house or in your bed all day long.
and all this has been reduced to phone calls every few hours with occasional screaming and lots of excessive usage of the words I love you. It's been three weeks and what I've been trying to get at is that I miss you so much. my life just isn't as much fun without you here.

taxonomy @ 2004-12-14T22:44:00

2004-12-15T03:44:41Z

no more dairy, ever.

taxonomy @ 2004-12-06T22:32:00

2004-12-07T03:42:56Z

it’s nearly quarter to eleven. I've been sitting here, or rather around, for the past several hours getting nothing real accomplished. I haven't worked on APR math problems or written the final essay and a resume for my college applications or done any of the other myriad of things on a list that isn’t written down. Instead I cried for several hours, listening to the likes of damien rice, and cat power. maybe on purpose because I needed to "let it all out." but it seems to me that no real session such as this can take place without it. from there I proceeded to read five or six select "letters" from the perks (although overdone) while I carelessly let tears slip down my cheeks and gather to the collar of my shirt. this mixture of happy, sad, angry has been getting the best of me and causing long, drawn out struggles containing the words "would you just shut the fuck up?" or "I'm seriously going to hang up.” and near hysterics in the school cafeteria.
someone else said it before I could but, (copy, paste) I am going out of my mind because there are so many good things going on in my life right now, and I can't even enjoy them.

taxonomy @ 2004-11-30T16:39:00

2004-11-30T21:40:47Z

I'm better than this town.

taxonomy @ 2004-11-21T18:39:00

2004-11-21T23:56:02Z

five months today; I'm in love.</samll>